I am a one man army in a five year war against Good King Wenceslas. I am a brave warrior and I am not afraid to fight. My ammo? It’s posts. My battlefield? Facebook.com. Whoop de fucking doo. I will be fighting this fight for as long as I live, and NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU COWARDS HAS JOINED ME IN IT.
GOOD KING WENCESLAS is the perverted offspring of an AVERAGE EASTER SONG called [wee oo wee oo LATIN ALERT] “Tempus adest floridum” and a GARBAGE lyric by John Mason Neale.
I have a “rumpus room” in my house where I can yell and scream about GOOD KING WENCESLAS as much as I please and no one can call the cops. Haha! The holidays are a stressful time for me INDEED…
Usually in my rumpus room I just look at the word “dinted” and go haywire in my brain. Sometimes I think about “bring me flesh and bring me wine” and I go ballistic. I start swinging punches at the air and breathing really hard. I shotgun a beer, but I can’t finish it for I am too weak.
This year I have decided I will get to know mine enemy better, so I may outsmart him. Here is the small bit of history my tiny numbskull can understand about Good King Wenceslas. God I hate this song so much.
John Mason Neale, my fucking nemesis through time, was part of this movement that wanted the Anglicans to go back to being more Catholic or something. I read a bunch of articles but me no too smart hee ehee ehee hee!
SO ANYWAYs Neale said (dumb baby voice:) “oh you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna write a little book for little children so they can understand old Catholic stuff. That way all the little kiddies will know things” bro like SHUT UP DUDE. JUSt STOP.
SO OF COURSE I HAD TO READ THIS BOOK. And I can barely read anymore, since I’ve let so many pixels get into my eyeballs. GOD I WISH I COULD GET THEM OUT. MY BRAIN IS SO BROKEN AND I HATE IT. The book is called DEEDS OF FAITH and it SUCKS.
BUT GUESS WHO ONE OF THE CHARACTERS IS. THAT’S RIGHT IT’S WENCLENELS.
(demented clown voice:) GUESS WHAT ~~KiDDiEs?!?~~ IT’S STORY TIME.
Ok so Wenceslas wasn’t really a king in real life but in this story he is for some reason. He’s looking at the sunset and he’s thinking about God. GOOD FOR HIM. I THINK ABOUT SHIT TOO YKNOW!!! LIKE WHAT IF EVERYONE ELSE IS ROBOT AND I’M THE ONLY HUMAN… deep…
He sees a poor dude out in the snow. He goes “ah shit there’s a poor guy. That sucks.” He calls out to his servant, Otto. He says “whos that poor guys”
” My liege,” said Otto, ” it is Rudolph the swineherd, he that lives down by the Brunweiss. Fire he has none, nor food neither : and he was gathering a few sticks where he might find them, lest, as he says, all his family perish with cold. It is a most bitter night, Sire. “
Wenceslas says “MY BAD. Wish this guy wasn’t so cold and poor. Wish he didn’t have a king who would let his family die. Wish that even RUDOLPH THE SWINEHERD could make a LIVING WAGE. WHOOP’S OF DAISY”
He says “YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE HELPFUL? I’M GONNA GIVE THIS POOR SON-OF-A-BITCH A SHEEP.”
Otto: ” I pray you. Sire, do not go yourself. Let some of the men-at-arms go forth. It is a freezing wind ; and a league it is at least to the place. “
BUT HE SAYS “no I’m stupipd and wanna get cold like the poors”
But in the midst of that freezing night, the King of Bohemia went forth. He had put on nothing to shelter himself from the nipping air ; for he desired to feel with the poor, that he might feel for them.
So he goes out and he’s thinking about GOD again.
“The Saint thought it but little to go forth into the frost and the darkness, remembering Him Who came into the cold night of this world of ours ; he disdained not, a King, to go to the beggar, for the King of Kings had visited slaves ; he grudged not to carry the logs on his shoulder, for the Lord of all things had carried the Cross for his sake.”
IDK MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE LET THIS POOR DUDE IN THE SNOW GET SO POOR, KING WENCLENASS. MAYBE YOUR SOCIETY IS BUSTED. DOES YOUR KINGDOM NEED SWINEHERDS? PROLLY. WHO ELSE IS GONNA HERD THE SWINES. THOSE ROBOTS WHO CLEAN THE FLOORS AT STOP N SHOP? MAYBE LET HIM KNOW THAT HIS LABOR IS VALUABLE BY um idk NOT LETTING HIS FAMILY DIE IN THE FIRST PLACE. MAYBE MAKING A WHOLE JOURNEY OUT OF HOW PIOUS YOU ARE TO GO HELP THIS DUDE AND BEING LIKE “im basically jesus” IS nOT COOL?!?!?
Like it’s dope that you’re helping him out and all. I wish my manager would help me out sometimes when I’m at work grooming DOGS. Oh yeah I groom dogs for my job btw. Well I don’t actually groom them. I’m not good enough at anything to really do that and my manager DOEsnT TRUST ME WITH SCISSORS. I more like hose the dogs off when they get in. My official title is “DOG HOSER.”
Anyways I wish my manager would come out in the snow and help me hose the dogs. Oh yeah I do my job outside because everyone says I make too many noises inside and it “distracts them” and “makes them feel unsafe.” EVEN MY CRUSH. So they bring the dogs outside to me and I give em a good hosing. Anyways sometimes it’s COLD OUT THERE and I’m freezing and I have dog water all over my hands and it’s smelly from the dogs and my manager says, “COME ON YOU SACK OF SHIT SPEED IT UP” and I say “I’m sorry I’m sorry”
I wish maybe my manager was more like King Welcebels but I also wish that King Wbelncas would of done STRUCTURAL CHANGES TO HIS KINGDOM so that dude wouldn’t be so poor and have a dying family. I MAY BE STUPID BUT I’M NOT STUPID.
So now he gets to be all like “wow… it’s actually not hard to be cold out here… after all Jesus suffered on the cross… I can treat symptoms of my failing society because that’s what Jesus would have wanted… he would have wanted me to go get this dude a sheep instead of, I don’t know, maybe making it so he didn’t have to hose down DOGZ for a living….”
SO THEN… TO MAKE MATTERS EVEN WORSE…
Otto is like “this sucks man.”
“My liege,” he said, “I cannot go on. The wind freezes my very blood. Pray you, let us return.”
Then King WEnclesas is like “YOU PUSS”
“Was not His [READ: JESUS’] journey from Heaven a wearier and a colder way than this ?”
HEY SERVANT BOY. i KNOW THIS WASN’T IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION BUT LIKE THINK HOW BAD THE LORD HAD IT WHEN HE CAME DOWN FROM HEAVEN. CAN’T YOU JUST KEEP FOLLOWING ME IN THE SNOW EVEN THOUGH NEITHER OF US HAVE COATs ON So THAT MAYBE WE CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT BEING RICH WHILE THIS GUY HAS NO SHEEP OR FOOD FOR THAT MATTER?!?!?
Oh also the story doesn’t say this but in my head the sheep is also pissed off and mad. He’s like “can I go back to my stable to my sheep wife. I love holding my sheep wife through the night, we are very warm because we’re made of wool. Until of course you brutalize us with your shear. That part sucks. Being a sheep is cool though pretty much. It has its ups and downs, like all things. I like to think I keep a level head about being a sheep. Oh God Where are you taking me. Good God what are you doing. It’s so c-c-c-cold. I’m just a sheep. Baaaaa’
So then the ending of the story is dumb as rocks. Otto is like “this sucks” and Wencesltas is like “just follow in papa’s footsteps. It’ll all be peachy”
He felt not the wind ; he heeded not the frost ; the footprints glowed as with a holy fire, and zealously he followed the King on his errand of mercy.
Dog like… HE WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN COLD IN THE FIRST PLACE IF YOU JUST STAYED INSIDE AND LIKE PASSED A LAW TO HELP THE DUDE OUTSIDE.\
{SARCASM VOICE:} OH GEE I WONDER WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE IN A CRUMBLING KINGDOM WHERE TONS OF PEOPLE ARE DYING. AND I WONDER WHAT IT’S LIKE FOR THEIR SUPERIORS TO GIVE THEM NICE LITTLE GIFTS THAT MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS. I WONDER WHAT IT’S LIKE FOR THOSE PEOPLE IN POWER TO FEEL LIKE THEY’RE ON A WHOLE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY MEANWHILE THEY’RE DOING THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM FOR THEIR EMPLOYEES/CONSTITUENTS/CITIZENS, YOU NAME IT. I WONDER WHAT THAT’S LIKE. OH GEE WILL OF KERS.
So the moral of the story is, go give a poor person a sheep, and don’t wear a jacket when you do it, that way you feel like you’re doing something great. Your a martyr. You know what? Bring a little page boy with you as well. Make sure he doesn’t wear a jacket either. And when he’s cold? Tell him he doesn’t believe in God enough. And when he finally walks in your footsteps to ward off the bitter cold, just end the story. The whole point of the story is that you went outside with the sheep and that your page boy learned that he should suffer for Jesus. So just clip the damn story at the end – who cares if the homie gets the sheep. God DAMMIT DO YOU SEE NOW WHY I GET MAD ABOUT KING WECLENCEA?? WHY IT DRIVES ME COO-COO BANANAS????
Ok, I got myself a nice tall Hi-C and I’m calming myself down. I’m doing the breathing exercises I learned on Joe Rogan and I feel better.
So anyways, “NEALE” puts his story in a book and goes… hmm… my story isn’t going VIRAL… I’M NOT GETTING ANY “CUTE WOKE MUTUALS” who will go on LATTE date with me… [twirls patchy-ass beard, thinking voice:] what ever will I do….
Oh I know! (stupid jag-off voice that sounds dumb:) I’M GONNA WRITE A SONG ABOUT IT!!! WEEHEE!!!
YOu can listen to the song in your own time. I’m running late to my 7th booster shot. I LOVE THE WAY THE BOOSTER FEELS AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS. IT MAKES MY ARM GO NUMB AND DISTRACTS ME FROM MY LIFE. Can’t get enough….
But the most TWISTED THING (and not in a good way… smh) about the song is this… here is the ending:
Therefore, Christian men, be sure,
wealth or rank possessing,
Ye who now will bless the poor,
shall yourselves find blessing.
This is okay on the surface…… but guys like me think deeper… did the dude EVER REALLY BLESS THE POOR??? Sounds like he made shit worse for everyone over all. RUDOLPH THE SWINEHERD still has to worry about dying with his family in the snow. Otto the page boy probably got pneumonia. And the “GOOD” king got to go home and tell his wife a dumb story about how good a king he is while she swiped on Tinder. On top of all that??? I still have to be a “DOG HOSER”
Anyways here’s the only version of this song I like. Bout to get boosted. Don’t hmu, I’ll be “in my feels…”